Is it possible to stop being mean to yourself?

Is it possible to 'banish' the inner critic?

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photo: studio gently

Do you sometimes think you’re always going to be mean to yourself?

Like, no matter how hard you try, you’ll always be judgemental, and horrible, and sometimes extremely harsh towards yourself?

I used to think this way.

I was very good at being mean to myself. I was in the habit of saying and believing horrible things. So much so, that a lot of the time it barely even registered with me.

I think a lot of us are this way. We’re extremely good at it. Well practiced.

We’re so well practiced, we don’t believe there’s any other way.

But there is. 

There genuinely is. Because, I know.

I’ve been it. I’ve experienced it.

I’ve gone from thinking the worst about myself. How I didn’t want to live, how I wasn’t worthy of attention, how I was never working hard enough, and how I was always going to be wasting time…

To the complete opposite.

I no longer think these things.

Because — sounds simple — I changed my thoughts.

If you have a brain, you can change your thoughts.

I think it’s worth emphasising this. If you have a brain, you can change your thoughts. Sometimes what we tell ourselves is that this is impossible. We’re so well practiced at the thoughts we are currently thinking, and the thoughts we have had in the past, that we think — or assume — there’s no other way. 

This is habitual and normal. But it’s also completely untrue. Because, you have changed your thoughts in the past. What you think now, is not exactly what you thought when you were 10 years old. In fact, it might be quite far from what you thought at 10 years old.

Now, I bet some of you are thinking, “Yes, but when I was 10 years old, I had some, if not a lot, of these negative thoughts.”

Yep. Me too.

Doesn’t mean they can’t be changed.

Doesn’t mean you can’t re-wire your brain.

It just takes a bit more thought on your part. And more practice.

So, how do you go about doing that?

Well, here’s how I would teach you:

First, we need to get used to the idea that it’s okay to be in our bodies. It’s okay to feel.

Now, I know that for a lot of people — me once included — this is exactly how it does not feel. It does not feel safe to feel a lot of feelings.

That’s because we’ve experienced stuff that has hurt us. Big time. And, understandably, we have learned to shut ourselves off, and do our best to avoid those feelings again.

But what I want to offer is that if we shut ourselves off from our feelings — if we learn how to stay inside our heads all the time — then we no longer have access to the range of resources we would have, if we were able to be in our bodies that little bit more.

What I want to say here is that it is not all or nothing. We do not need to be ‘fully in our bodies’ in order to extend ourselves compassion. We do not need to feel ALL the feelings at once.

We only need to be able to access this a little, before we can start practising compassion. And curiosity. And a whole host of other things we will need if we want to change our relationship with our thoughts.

Then, once we get more comfortable with accessing our emotions — and the sensations going on in our bodies — we can begin to apply these emotions in a more resourceful and intentional manner. We can start to change the emotional track of certain situations; we can start to offer ourselves alternative thoughts when it comes to situations that active our critical faculties. 

We don’t need to banish our critical thoughts. Not at all. 

But we do need to recognise they are coming from fear. They are coming from a place of fearing rejection.

We need to feel safe before we can replace those thoughts with something else. (If your body doesn’t feel safe, there is no way your brain is going to get rid of the thoughts it considers have kept yourself safe up until this point.)

In order to do that, we need to practise feeling safe and rooted. We need to get into the practice of accessing that feeling on a regular basis.

This is (the start of) what I would teach you. These are some of the steps involved in changing your brain. It is not always easy. It is certainly not always comfortable. But it is doable.

If you want help with this, book a call with me, and chat. If nothing else, I want you to know this is possible. I want you to know there are other ways of being for yourself.

Imagine a world where people weren’t mean to themselves. Imagine a world where we didn’t have to go around our every-days silently chastising ourselves.

I want that world. For me; for you.

Imagine how creative you would feel, if you didn’t have the thoughts of, "You’re not good enough," hanging over your brain. 

Imagine how your life would feel, if you no longer had to believe your own critical thoughts.

This is how I get to feel. Every day. 

You can have that too.

Book a call.

Love you,
Kathryn 

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PS. I like you

Are you very bored of your own self-criticism? Is it stopping you from doing the things you want to do?

This was me, not so long ago. And now, I get to help others with their self-criticisms — and helping them change this crucial relationship with themselves.

Here’s how one of my clients, Natalie puts it:

[the biggest difference is…] “Practice! Recognising that I have a choice about what I choose to believe about myself. And perhaps most importantly, I am much less bodily reactive to self-criticism. I have found that tiny pause between the thought and the embodied reactivity, and in that pause I can usually stop the process from progressing. I can ask those questions. I can step back and reassess and make a choice about what would serve me at this moment (spoiler alert, it isn't ever self-criticism/loathing/doubt).

My inner world has expanded exponentially, and I feel more empowered to work towards the big goals and dreams I have for an abundant creative life. I have the support, the tools, and a greater understanding of my own habits, thought patterns and trip wires, and how to attend to them with kindness and resilience. I am learning how to embody the curiosity, compassion and connection that are my core values, and release the bodily constraints of decades of harsh criticism and loathing. This work has been more expansive than I could have imagined.”

PS. I am super grateful to Natalie for giving me permission to share her experience. It is not something we speak about openly in our culture, but I truly believe that part of the work in healing our collective shame around self-criticism starts with recognising we are not alone.

If you know you want to explore this work further — if you want to release your own critical thoughts — book a call with me. Or find out more about how to work with me, and then book a call 😉