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I hate looking like a fool.
It’s one of the feelings that scares me most.
It’s a feeling; that scares me.
A feeling — that makes me uncomfortable. (And so I avoid it.)
But a feeling, nonetheless.
As in, it’s not ‘DEATH™’. It’s not going to kill me.
True, we have feelings (in part) to tell us what things to avoid. (Like death.)
But… we can also develop a fear of our feelings. As in, they become so uncomfortable to us, we avoid anything that makes us feel them.
And that’s… tricky if we want to navigate life.
I used to be scared of lots of my feelings.
They felt unmanageable. (And I didn’t like that.)
So, I squashed them down; and pretended I didn’t have them.
I got so good at pretending to myself that I didn’t have many feelings, that I convinced myself I didn’t have many feelings.
I had ‘minimal’ feelings.
Acceptable feelings.
Just enough to not be creepy. But never so many as to be an inconvenience.
(Except when I was angry; which is a whole other story…)
Anyway, eventually I learned that even if you avoid your feelings, you’re still carrying them around with you.
(They’re part of your subconscious. Lurking. Ready to strike at any moment… 👀)
It’s like carrying them around behind your back. One hand behind your back, always keeping them at bay.
But still holding them. Still heavy.
Fast forward many years, I have learned a different way.
Now, I learn not to keep my feelings behind my back.
I try to take them out as much as possible, and see them, clear as day.
This isn’t always comfortable. But I’ve learned that it’s actually a lot more manageable, longer-term, to see them, release them, and be okay with them… than to pretend I didn’t have them in the first place.
It’s a lot more manageable to deal with feelings as they arise, than stuff them all down inside, hoping they never come up again.
Now, I know we can’t always feel our feelings in the moment. I know it’s not always safe to do so.
But, if we learn ‘that’s the way of doing things,’ then we are going to carry around (and be afraid of) our burden of feelings forever.
(Ask me how I know…)
The good news is, if you learned to not feel your feelings (because at the time, that’s what you needed, to feel safe(r) and accepted), you can also learn to feel them again.
Your brain is neuroplastic. It can change.
Now I’ve gotten to a stage in life where I can see what feelings I might be scared of — and crucially, where it might be holding me back in terms of what actions I take…
And I like that I have the choice; to turn towards that invitation, and see if I would like to try that feeling — even in small doses.
I like that I now turn towards that possibility with a sense of curiosity; and dare I say even, fun.
I like the idea of running experiments; seeing how much I can ‘be’ with this feeling — even if only for short bursts at a time.
It’s like having a pool of water in front of you; and you get to decide how much of your toe you want to dip in the water, and when.
Yes, it appeals to my sense of control ;)
And yes, it’s a story I tell myself (because why the F not?!) — to not only have an ‘accepting’ relationship with my feelings, but one that I positively enjoy.
Nineteen-year-old me would be shocked. 😵🙃
Love,
Kathryn
PS. I like you
PS. If you want to work with me, I have one spot left. If you are ready to ‘work on your inner critic’ (a lot more fun—and compassionate—than it sounds!), be more present in your work (AND life), and create with more connection… set up a call now to see if we’re a good fit for working together.
Learn more on my coaching page, or schedule a call here >