PS. I like you is a free weekly(ish) newsletter for people who have all the questions.
The other day my client asked me how I knew if I was good at something.
Specifically, she wanted to know how I knew.
And although she didn’t say it, I felt there was a secondary question; “How do I know if I’m good enough?”
This is a perennial question. And one we don’t often voice out loud, because we think it makes us sound silly… But still, most of us want to know, How do I know if I'm good enough?
Here’s what I told my client (with some edits):
You know, it’s funny, I’m not sure if I ever ask myself, so directly, what I’m good at.
Right now I think less about what am I ‘good' at, and more what I believe I can do.
For example, I’m less interested in whether “I’m a good coach,” than I am getting into the feeling of, “I can coach.”
The most obvious difference between the two in that example is that I don’t care so much about the noun, as I do the verb.
I don’t care so much about what I am (because this is fluid and changes and is just so hard to label and quantify); but I (want to) feel connected to the verb — to what I can do.
And then, to answer; how do I know I’m good at it? I guess, on one hand I see that my clients are different people from when we first started coaching. By that, I mean that they think and feel differently about themselves. They feel closer to the life they want to live, and the results they want to create.
But as to qualifying or quantifying whether, or how good that is; I cannot know — by anyone else’s standards.
I am better (at coaching) than I used to be.
And I’m not as good as I will be in future.
So honestly, on one hand I have no idea if I’m good at coaching. You could ask 100 people and they’d all say differently.
Maybe the pragmatic truth is that it serves me better (and my clients) to believe I’m a good coach.
Because then I bring that belief to how I show up in the coaching space; and these conversations.
One thing I want to say here is that the above reply is my answer. This is not a prescription. Sometimes the most supportive thought we can offer ourselves is that we are good. And there are definitely times where the thought, “I am a good coach” has served me powerfully. And I still use that thought to support me.
The other thing I would say, is that we get to choose thoughts that support us.
(Yes, that might sound slightly new-age-y, annoying, over-simplistic… but it’s also true. It doesn’t mean that you won’t have other thoughts — that are often contradictory! But you also get to choose thoughts that are supportive and helpful; for this moment. For this time in your life.)
How do I know if this newsletter is good enough?
How do I know if I’m a good enough coach?
The truth is, I don’t.
And also, I choose to.
I can hold both ideas in my body and they can sit comfortably, side-by-side, co-existing.
One of my favourite quotes, from a poem by Richard Baker, is: “There is no measure of what you have done.”
You cannot measure your whole contribution. You cannot measure the value you give, or the person you are.
All you can do is do your best. With what you have, today.
Your best is entirely subjective. It is not a measure or result.
And if the idea of ‘your best’ bothers you, get rid of it. Or change it.
For me, ‘my best’ is only really me showing up in the most honest way I can. If I can be honest with myself, I know I’ve brought my best with me; no matter how tired I am, no matter how much guilt I feel, no matter the result or outcome.
So, if you’re interested in what feels good enough, I would say aim for something that feels honest. An honest effort, an honest attempt.
At the end of the day this will make it a little easier to live with yourself. And after all, maybe that’s the question at the heart of whether we’re good enough in the first place.
Do I stand up to scrutiny? Do I measure up? How can I live with myself?
The truth is, you don’t know. And also, you choose to.
Love,
Kathryn
PS. I like you.
Maybe everything is waiting for you.
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