I have a particularly harsh inner critic... is there something wrong with me?
Funnily enough, you're not defective... 🙃
An audio version of this newsletter!
The other day a client asked me where my inner critic had come from. The truth is, I didn't have a tortuous upbringing. Nothing especially 'bad' happened. My parents are normal people. They argue and are often critical about things, but no more so than plenty other people's parents or caregivers.
I didn't have a teacher tell me I was scum. Nobody told me I shouldn't be alive. Nobody said I was a massive disappointment — although sometimes I did pick up that things I had done were extremely disappointing (and therefore, I was a disappointment).
But, I absorbed things. I, often unconsciously, observed the way things were. How people were critical of one another or of other people's actions.
I was sensitive; as a lot of us are. I internalised lessons on how to behave. I learned what was acceptable and what wasn't.
I internalised lessons; and my active imagination made them bigger and stronger in my mind. My imagination gave me all sorts of scenarios that might put me in peril or make me a bad person.
I'm sensitive. I process things deeply. I also really, really hate not feeling in control.
In this sense, I don't think it's much wonder why I developed a strong inner critic. I had the tendencies and environment for one to flourish.
Am I saying that inner critics are inevitable? No; some people just don't have them nearly as loud as others.
But do I think they're a consequence of us somehow being defective? Certainly not. I happen to think they're a coping mechanism for people with particular ways of thinking, particular wiring of their brains, and the environment they grow up in. They’re not inevitable, but they’re often not a surprise either.
Biological, psychological, and social factors all come into play; just like a lot of things with human development!
"Few parents lack good intentions – and yet a large minority routinely manage to make life far less sane or pleasant than it should be. We are – unfortunately and unavoidably – the most sensitive things in the universe."
— The School of Life
So if some of us are predisposed to developing an inner critic, and we happen to have one, does that mean we're doomed? Is the inner critic with us for life?
Well, from personal experience, I know it isn't.
I know you can go from regularly (hourly; sometimes by the minute) thinking highly critical things about yourself... to barely thinking about your inner critic at all.
I’ve seen with clients that you can change the stories you have about yourself, and you can loosen those feelings a lot of us get that feel like loathing and self-criticism.Â
Is it easy? Not especially! It requires a regular and conscious practice of retraining your mind to look at things in a different way.
It requires what I would call work and effort. But it's not necessarily a slog either. Rewiring your brain can be fun! …if also sometimes a little disconcerting and uncomfortable 🙃
Is it worth it? Obviously, I would say yes.
A client once told me " [When we started working together] I was very self-critical and had a lot of internal conflict. Now I have a loving relationship with myself."
On one hand, I think it's easy to say "I'd give anything for that." But perhaps it's more complicated. When I think back to who I was, and what I thought about myself, I'm not sure I could imagine having a very loving relationship with myself. I'm not sure I could really hold the idea that it was possible for me.
I don't mean that to put anyone off. If anything, I think it says you don't have to believe something is possible and you can still stumble towards it nonetheless.
What I have learned is that you can develop an inner critic — quite a strong one — and it doesn't have to define you. It doesn't have to be in that shape or form forever.
You might always have a tendency to go towards a particular way of seeing the world. You might always find yourself reaching for a particular way of thinking. But that doesn't have to be the whole story. It doesn't have to be the fullness or rest of your life.
An inner critic can actually become quite a small part of you; if that's what you happen to want. It can become settled. A part that isn't shunned or held up against you. But is still there; much more 'cooperative' and a much more friendly presence than you ever thought it could be.
Do I still identify as someone who has an inner critic? Honestly, that’s a tough one to answer. I think it can be helpful to have an ‘inner critic’ to relate to; so you can become aware of the nature of your relationship and potentially change it. But, funnily enough, as you become more relaxed in your relationship — and you’re battling less with it — it sort of recedes into the background. It becomes less of its own identity, strong-willed and ready to jump in to tell you when you’re making a mistake.
For me, my internal monologues are now less their own distinct personalities. They are instead more a collection of thoughts I am aware of, but don’t give them the deference my ‘inner critic’ would have once demanded.
It’s like listening to a young child. You are respectful, you pay attention. You understand that what they are saying is their reality. It’s their truth.
But it doesn’t mean they have the full picture. It doesn’t mean you’d necessarily stake your life on it. It doesn’t need to be the only opinion you take into account.
You can still love the child. Even if you don’t 100% believe everything it says.
— Kathryn
PS. If you fancy working together (I have a couple of coaching spots open now, and then will be booked up until towards the end of summer), feel free to have a look at my coaching page, or book a call to discuss.