How to relax… when you can’t relax
A lot of people I’ve been speaking to recently are finding it very hard to relax.
The other day a client told me, “I just don’t seem to know how to relax.”
And though they didn’t immediately say it, I could tell in their voice they had the question: “Is there something wrong with me?”
Cue, internal chuckle! (Just a little!)
Because of course they were having an incredibly hard time relaxing. And of course there’s nothing wrong with it, or them!
Nope, there’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not supposed to be relaxed.
When your body is fighting, when it’s under prolonged stress, your nervous system is activated — on high alert, looking out for any possible threat that could harm you…
You are not going to be relaxed under those circumstances.
Funnily enough, just knowing this can be helpful. Just knowing we’re not meant to be relaxed, can in turn help relieve some of the pressure we’ve been putting on ourselves to be relaxed. (This in turn can make it easier to relax!)
But I’m not saying anyone should be relaxed. I’m just wondering where and how we can navigate this space. On one hand, your stress is never a personal flaw. The fact that you feel stress and your body responds, is not a ‘problem’ — and often incredibly appropriate!
But how do you move within stress? How do you move so that you have more options to play with?
One of the issues with stress is that it reduces everything. We tend to think in binaries; either/or. (I am either doing well, or I am not.)
Stress gives us tunnel vision. And tunnel vision makes it hard to see options or different perspectives.
So, it’s within this tunnel vision that you’ll have to see your options. It’s within this very narrow view that you’ll have to find choices for yourself.
‘Choices’ are simply actions and responses you take with intention. Choices are you noticing something, and then acting in a way that you think might be beneficial (or not… it’s your choice 🙃)
Even when my clients are in the midst of their darkest spirals, they can always identify moments (with prompting!) where they made a choice that in retrospect they are pleased with. And to be honest, ‘pleased’ might be too ‘positive spin’ a word here. What I mean is a choice they can see themselves in; that they respect or appreciate themselves for. It doesn’t have to be something they do that makes them wildly happy; it just has to be something they can say, “yeah, I’m glad I did that.” Or “I can see the compassion for myself there.” “I did this thing for me.”
Examples include: “I made that hot water bottle for myself.” “I chose to stand in the dark and feel the rain on my face.” “I listened to a podcast I like, it was enjoyable.” “I had a conversation with my mother and it wasn’t awful!”
What does this have to do with ‘relaxing?’
Well, ‘relaxing’ when we’re stressed might sometimes be just too much of a stretch for some of us.
But, ‘relaxing into being human,’ I think is achievable for most of us. (All of us 😉 )
Relaxing into being human isn’t about being perfect. It isn’t about ‘switching off.’ (And to be honest, I find ‘switching off’ a sometimes unhelpful way of looking at it — as far as I’m concerned, my brain doesn’t ‘switch off;’ I just change what it pays attention to.)
Relaxing in this context is more of an acceptance. (An acceptance you are being human!)
And also a conscious effort to show yourself all the great and amazing things you are doing when you choose things (that may be tiny, but are still significant) that help you open up your perspective.
This isn’t easy in tunnel vision. But you have the ability to make tiny choices. (Tiny choices, tiny moments; like stepping away from a doomscroll, calling the doctor, or messaging your friend.)
That’s all you need. To not fix everything. But to give you the power and capacity to make further choices. Which in turn give you the option to make further choices; which in turn is how you change your life.
💛
Kathryn
PS. Here’s a simple exercise to help you pause and recalibrate. It’s just a way to shift attention, to give your brain something else to do, to give yourself some ‘breathing out’ space.
Look at the space between your fingers.
Keep your focus open and diffuse. If you can, hover your attention here for 30 seconds.
Keep with the space between your fingers… and then maybe shift your attention to the space between your hand and your chest.
Just notice what happens. Nothing else is needed — until you decide.
PPS. If you’d like to work with me, you can visit my website to find out more about how I work with people as a coach. And if you’d like to discuss in person (online) you can book in a free session with me to get both a taster of what to expect from coaching, and to explore whatever is on your mind. (Best of both worlds 😁) Schedule a conversation here.