How to 'move forward'

Or outward, one step at a time

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university project. The chair commits suicide at the end

The other day I told my boyfriend (wait, boyfriend?? awkward! criiinge!!) that I used to be bulimic.

“It was only for a year or two,” I explained. “I wasn’t fully committed.”

He found this darkly funny. As if I’d decided to drop out of a social club because I “didn't have the heart for it.”

“No,” I quipped, “I didn’t have the stomach for it."

Yes 😅 I’m making light of my own eating disorder.

But that’s what it often feels like. Something I hardly remember, even though it was clearly distressing and awful at the time.

Being bulimic was one of the many ways I tried to stay in control, whilst being desperately anxious (without even knowing it); feeling like I was losing all sense of who I was, with no way forward.

I can’t remember why I stopped being bulimic. (I can’t remember a lot of stuff from that time! 😅) But I don’t think it was because I did anything particularly special to ‘fix’ it. I ‘just’ moved on to full-blown depression and other ways of being that were equally as distressing.

The reason I bring this up is obviously not to make light of eating disorders, or mental health conditions in general. But it is—for me—a good example of how easily we forget what we have done; and how far we have come.

I honestly almost never think about how I used to deliberately throw up food. (And why would I? It’s not a particularly pleasant experience to recall.)

But it’s sometimes worth thinking about, just to remind myself there was a time when I couldn’t imagine myself any different.

I was depressed, incredibly anxious. Incredibly angry and lonely.

…and yet, somehow, I managed to change.

Side note: If you can change when your thoughts are at their most intrusive, most upsetting, most compelling, and most unrelenting… How else might you be able to change?

The thing I wish I’d known then, that I know now, is that there were pathways to change.

I have been through so much therapy and coaching, that I now know in my deepest cells that change is possible. Even when I’m at my lowest, and convinced nothing (i.e. me) will work ever again. I know change is possible.

And that means everything.

Knowing there are paths to explore, and journeys to take; and that it might not be easy, but they’re there…

Is the difference between sitting alone in the dark — and deciding to move… forward.

***

I used to spend so much time worrying about the right decision to take. I used to wonder what the right way forward was. (And, if only I knew it, then I would be able to move forward—with clarity.)

But often, there isn’t just one way forward—or, outward.

It feels scary to pick something. As if we’ve committed to one direction, and now all our other options are closed off to us.

But most of our actions don’t close off other actions.

In fact, taking action often opens up the possibility to take more action.

If you have a blank piece of paper, doing something with it, is going to give you more ideas than doing nothing with it.

Making a tiny mark, is going to give you infinitely more possibilities; than holding back from fear of making a mistake.

This is the way forward.

This is how you start the journey, when you can’t imagine anything different.

This is how you change, sometimes without even realising.

This is how you get to a place, where, one day, you can’t remember exactly what you did—but you’re so glad you had the courage to do it.

What’s one way, forward — or outward — you could pick today?

What’s one thing that can bring you inwards, or back to yourself?

What’s a tiny way you can move (metaphorically, or physically) to remind yourself you’re alive?

Love,
Kathryn

PS. If you are looking to move forwards, or outwards(?) And want some help in navigating that space of not-knowing, trusting, and creating something special… Come work with me :)

Book a call to discuss if you’d like to work together — and find out how you can make your dreams happen, one step at a time. 🌿