How I deal with shame
And the easy ride of being human 😛
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Recently, I felt ashamed about a situation.
I won’t go into details, but my main thought was: I should have known better.
Now, as it happens, I’ve become quite sensitive to how I feel shame.
I used to shame myself all the time to the point I didn’t notice. I would self-criticise, judge myself, blame myself; and because it was almost my default operating system, I didn’t even realise I was doing it.
Over the past many years that has changed, so that when I do feel shame, I notice.
But what’s interesting to me is that I don’t always experience this shame as an ‘obvious pain.’
Instead, I notice I get depressed. I start feeling isolated. I lose my sense of humour.
I start to cry for objectively no reason. I just feel sad and lonely.
Now, I’m not saying that all depression or what I’ve described comes from shame.
But in my particular case, I’ve learned that these ‘symptoms,’ especially if they can’t be attributed to anything else, often stem from a feeling of shame. That maybe I thought I had already ‘dealt with’ or acknowledged, but is still there with me.
A few nights ago I lay in bed, wondering about my depressed state. I could sense it was linked with shame — and I was fairly sure it was about ‘this particular situation I’d been thinking about’ for the past few weeks or so.
I learned long ago that I don’t need to ‘fix’ myself. I’ve learned I don’t need to panic when I’m in a depressed mood.
But also, I kind of knew what was happening.
And I realised, “Hang on, I have the tools. I know what to do here...”
I’d told myself I should have known better.
What I was really saying to myself was, “I’m above all that.”
But I’m not above all that.
I’m not above other people.
As I type that, I know how arrogant that sounds. That I would carry this thought around with me that I’m somehow better or smarter, or different to other people.
But it’s also a thought. That I bet you might, very occasionally, have too.
Shame also tells us we’re different. Shame will say, “You’re separate. And no one understands.”
That is our experience of shame. It is often because the people around us haven’t understood. Or worse, have actively undermined and invalidated our own experience.
And because this isn’t an uncommon experience to happen to human beings, we learn to carry around the feeling that we are separate. (And wrong for it.)
This is part of what I had been experiencing over the last few weeks.
That I should have known better. That even though I had evidence of other people saying they’d found themselves in the same situation, that didn’t really make me feel any better.
Because I should have known better. Because I’m different.
And as I lay in bed the other night, I knew what to do.
I took a deep breath and decided to consciously shift my perspective. I needed to almost ‘come out’ of myself, in order to sit beside myself. And recognise my humanity.
It’s a hard thing to explain. But the best way I can describe it is being able to relate to yourself as somebody else, whilst at the same time receiving your own wisdom and compassion.
“I’m not different. I’m not above other people.”
This is the wisdom I received from myself. This was the shift from “I’m different to other people and there’s something with me,” to… “Oh… I’m human.”
And whilst nothing changes about your situation, everything changes about yourself.
This is the magic of self-compassion. And if I could put it in a bottle and hand it out to as many people as possible, I would. Because I imagine it would bring a lot of relief for people.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t come in a bottle. But what I am glad for is that it is a learned practice.
The reason I can change how I feel and experience myself is because I’ve spent years practising self-awareness and compassion.
I used to have a good deal of self-awareness. I did not have a good deal of self-compassion.
But learning this ‘trick’ is what has saved me over and over again from a lot of isolation and suffering.
If you’re reading this thinking, “That’s all very well for you. How do I find compassion for myself now?” First of all, I would invite you to consider that you really are not alone.
You are not alone in finding this difficult. You are not alone in feeling like this might be impossible. (I for one, have very much been there.)
Shame says you’re separate. Shame says ‘you can’t do this.’
So start with connection. Connect, specifically, to the feeling of loving someone, or something.
It can be an animal, a human, a part of the world that makes you feel connected. A part of the world that makes you feel alive—and human.
As an example, I have a friend; who I can’t ever hate, even if I’m depressed and hate everything else about the world.
She is my ‘compassion spirit animal.’ (Term I just totally made up.)
Whoever you are, you are capable of love for something or someone. You are capable of sensing their spirit, and wanting to help them.
That is compassion. That feeling, tells you you can feel it.
You start there. And you slowly grow it.
You grow it and start applying that experience to other people, and yourself.
You start to imagine how you were. The scared and often confused child who didn’t have the same access to resources and understanding you do now.
And you think, with compassion, of them.
You think, with compassion of them. And you remind yourself you are that child.
You do it slowly. You do it gradually.
And you will learn, as you keep shifting perspectives, and keep practising, that you are always deserving of compassion.
You will learn that feeling a sense of shame does not mean there’s something wrong with you.
You do not need to fix it. But you can do something about it. 💛
Love,
Kathryn
PS. If you’d like to talk to another human being about things that have been on your mind, I’m offering free chats to anyone who wants it. No agenda. Nothing to sell. Just me listening to you, and offering what are hopefully some helpful questions to help you gain perspective and clarity.
I’m not a therapist, and I’m not here to offer strategic advice. But I also know that sometimes we just need to speak to people (and as much as we love the people in our lives, it doesn’t always help if it’s them!) in order to get the thoughts out of our head and feel that we make sense.
That’s what I do — and would love to help you with. If you’d find that useful, book a free chat here.