PS. I like you is a free weekly(ish) newsletter for creatives in the midst of learning disappointment.
A few weeks ago I decided to go on a historical walking tour with a friend.
Now, for various reasons, which I won’t go into here, I decided that we would wait until the day of the tour to book our tickets.
You know what happens next...
“Ticket sales ended.”
…Aaaand the internal drama begins.
Because I knew — I knew — we should have booked tickets as soon as possible. I knew we shouldn’t have waited.
And yet I went against my doubts because I didn’t want to be a bother. I didn’t want to be a nag. I didn’t want to be ‘that person’ who needs to have everything organised and arranged beforehand.
(Except I evidently do so often want everything neatly organised and arranged beforehand!)
The funny thing is of course, my friend didn’t mind. But I did.
I really cared that our plans had been derailed.
I really cared that how I’d thought we’d spend our afternoon was now going to be completely different.
There was now a void to be filled.
And it was filled with MY disappointment.
Disappointment is something I have traditionally found hard to deal with. Especially disappointment that could have been prevented.
Many years ago I failed to make reservations for a birthday meal — and we turned up at the restaurant to find it fully booked.
I’d tried to make reservations but couldn’t get through. I'd known it would be in popular demand. And I knew we weren’t going to be in the area again for a very long time, if ever.
Turned away from the restaurant, we walked home in the pouring rain getting soaked to the bone. My partner cheerfully suggested we go to the local Co-op and get a pizza. I cried and cried. I was so fucking upset.
You can tell this memory sticks with me! 😅
Not just because I didn’t get my doubly extravagant sides of macaroni cheese and twice baked chips… But because I could have prevented this accursed turn of events from happening.
Anyway, I tell you this story to give you a sense of my tumultuous (and hilarious!) relationship with disappointment.
I mean, we’re not talking life and death here. We’re literally talking about a restaurant reservation. And that’s how much I couldn’t handle it.
I basically ruined our evening. (The pizza got burnt, by the way.)
And since then, I have been acutely aware of how I handle my own disappointment.
Which is why, I was super proud of myself a few weeks ago…
When I decided that yes, I was indeed disappointed. (!!) But also, I didn’t have to compound it.
Firstly, I asked my friend for time to process my disappointment. (I literally asked for this out loud. Which is something I would encourage if you can. Not everyone will share your disappointment, but will hopefully respect you enough to give you time to process your feelings.)
Secondly, I forgave myself for not doing what I thought I should have done. I treated myself as a friend and a human being. (This is *not* something I have been able to do for most of my life and has taken A LOT of practice.)
And finally, to create room for thinking about what we wanted to do instead, I asked myself: “What would I do if this had never been an option in the first place?”
Turns out we had a great time. We went to see a movie, ate great food, had a blast in each other’s company. And my friend changed their plans so we could go on the tour the next day.
Obviously the point is not that it all worked out in the end.
(Though I can’t help but notice I have a much better time when I stop beating myself up, allow space for feelings, and then give myself room to create new possibilities.)
The reason I’m telling you this mundane story is that it’s in the unremarkable details that the remarkable lives.
It’s in the details of the every-day that we get to witness just how much progress we’ve made, and how far we have come.
I have a client — we’ve been working together for 18 months now — who will occasionally say something along the lines of, “Oh, the me of 18 months ago would never have responded like that. The old me would have spiralled into self-doubt and shame, tried to control everything, and wouldn’t have been very kind to myself.”
And every time she says something like this I want to catch her.
Because to be able to show yourself kindness and compassion previously inaccessible to you is a remarkable feat.
It is a feat that should be celebrated.
And I know — because I see it every day — that we do not celebrate or recognise our own growth nearly enough.
This is a shame. Because if we don’t recognise our own growth, we will always convince ourselves we’re not growing. (Or not nearly fast enough.)
We will always be wondering when it’s about to start happening. Completely oblivious to the fact that it’s already happened!
You’ve already made so much progress. You’re about to make so much more. Those two things can be true at the same time. Don’t let one negate the other.
Why is this important?
Because the more you recognise change in yourself; the more you see yourself as someone capable of change.
I think back to who I was all those years ago, when I was disappointed out my mind because I didn’t get to eat macaroni cheese and chips.
And I am so bloody thankful that I have moved on from that.
I’m still very much allowed to be disappointed (fundamental!); but I don’t have to let it ruin my day. Or my relationship with my friend.
And this, this is what life is. My day, my experiences; my relationships — with my loved ones and myself.
This is everything.
Celebrate all the ways you have changed. Especially in the common moments of the everyday. Because this is where life is happening. This is where you are creating it.
Love,
– Kathryn
PS. Look how I got me some new photos! Courtesy of the lovely Anna at studio gently. I am so stoked how they came out and can't wait to show you them all in my emails henceforth and everywhere I go... I'm a little obsessed 😬❤️🔥
PPS. I love helping people work through disappointment -- and feelings -- and 'all' the things. This is difficult work and important work. It really is important, because how you feel about yourself affects so many things in your life -- not least how you show up for your relationships with yourself and others.
If you'd like to see how you can change how you feel (about yourself; about everything), let's have a call and discuss. Schedule in a free consultation call here.